(crossposted from DSI Forums for reasons similar to the whole Church and State issue):

Having signed up for a 1-disc-at-a-time NETFLIX subscription (to get a free laptop, cross-fingers-cross-fingers), I believe it is time we knew exactly what horrors and wonders lurk in the depths of the world's foremost rent-by-mail service (well, except for WeeklyRussianBridalPost, but they're a niche market).

WEEK 1:
Having entered all of my preferences and created a relatively short 40-disc list last Monday, I received Zardoz in the mail last Tuesday.

ZARDOZ (1974): In this cult favorite from John Boorman (Beyond Rangoon), 23rd century society is split into two castes -- the overly civilized Eternals and the barely civilized Brutals -- one of which is constantly controlling the other. The Brutals worship a huge stone figure known as Zardoz. When Zed (Sean Connery) begins to question the authenticity of this god, the film is able to offer some pointed commentary on class structure and religion.

I have heard (from reliable sources) that Zardoz is one of the Worst sci-fi movies ever made. Thus, I must watch it. (Actually, it probably means I must buy it, but for some reason, I've gone all thrifty in this instance.)

Regardless, it's a must-see, if only because Sean Connery apparently rushes at a Burt-Reynolds-lookalike frat some time during the movie.

Oh, hazing. Is there anything you can't demean?

Back to NETFLIX however. The disc arrived on Tuesday alright, but it didn't arrive "all right." In fact, the DVD wasn't just scratched or grimy, it was broken. There was an enormous crack that went all the way through the disc. I immediately filled out the online Damaged Disc form and mailed it back Wednesday afternoon. Thursday, they let me know they'd received it and that the Raleigh NETFLIX hub didn't have a second copy to send me for Friday (I'd actually have been more disappointed in them if they did own two copies of Zardoz locally).

My new disc arrived from Cleveland today. It is in good condition and at least the Main Menu plays well. I await other souls than myself to join in the fun.



Doesn't it sound like a sleep aid?
.

This Thursday (AKA tomorrow), I'm doing a two-man improv show with my friend Eitan. The form is monkey-prov, and the name of the group?



That's just the preview poster I made us. Sketch is making us an intro screen that I cannot wait to see. The man is an artist. Seriously. Look at Sketch's past team intro screens.

Also, it be Talk Like A Pirate Day. ARRRR!

So come see Eitan and me hepped up on Red Bull performing death-defying acts of improvisation skill.

Thursday, Sept. 20, 8PM
DSI Comedy Theater
Carr Mill Mall, Carrboro
$8, or $5 if you have a $5-ticket coupon card (which I have a stack of)
.

My subleased townhouse has a fireplace that we've never used, so my "landlady" called the Fire Department to come inspect it so I could legally use the thing when it gets cold around here (you know, in February).

I waited around with no word until the Anti-Witching Hour (noon) when suddenly I was interrupted whilst sitting before my cold fireplace by a noise like someone playing Stars & Stripes Forever on a dollar-store digital piano. It turned out to be my cell phone, which I'd forgotten to turn back to Vibrate earlier. It was my landlady. We hadn't spoken in seven...teen hours, but she still spoke like death warmed over:

"You will be visited by a representative from the Chapel Hill Fire Department today. Expect him at 1pm. Bewaaaaaaaaaare!"

Sure enough, shortly thereafter, three spirits of the CHFD arrived. But instead of coming one after the next, they filed into my living room and the Spirit of CHFD Present inspected my fireplace while the Spirits of CHFD Past and Future stood by and --I assume-- made sure I didn't try to make a run for it.

Among the three Spirits there were two fathers and two sons (oh, the old brainteasers are the best), and CHFD Present kept asking Past for answers he already knew, and sending Future to the firetruck outside several times for forms and pamphlets and smoke detectors that it turned out we didn't need.

In the end, I discovered that the Spirits had inspected my fireplace in one afternoon (=15 minutes) as if by magic. I still had time to change my ways! To vacuum out the dust around the edges! To buy a starter log! To not die of carbon monoxide poisoning!

Oh, what a fool I'd been! I had not realized there would be an entire family of CHFD Spirits ready to invade my home at the first sign of my thinking about warming myself. Damn me; I'm such a heat miser.


.

A throwaway parody to get it out my head.

The Cars' "Just What I Needed":


Your Table's Not Ready
by Kit FitzSimons
I don't mind you eating here;
That's what a restaurant's for.
But tell me why you couldn't wait
Politely by the door?
This isn't something you decide.
None of our waiters wait that side!
I don't mind you eating here,
But please don't eat right there.

I can't read your mind from here
Here at the hostess stand.
You came in when my back was turned.
This cafe's undermanned, yeah.
It's not that we can't serve you well. No,
It's more you're there, but we can't tell.
I can't read your mind unless
I've shown you to your chair.

Won't you please wait to be seated?
(wait to be seated)
That way I'll know that you're here.
Won't you please wait to be seated?
(wait to be seated)
I can't be any more clear.

I don't mind your right to choose
Exactly where you sit, sit.
The customer is always right,
But here's what I don't get, yeah:
You sat before I saw you. Lord!
Now you complain you've been ignored.
I don't mind your right to choose,
But why not clue me in?

Won't you please wait to be seated?
(wait to be seated)
You ain't got nothing to lose.
Won't you please wait to be seated?
(wait to be seated)
While I go grab you menus?

Won't you please wait to be seated?
(wait to be seated)
You needed somewhere to feed.
Won't you please wait to be seated?
(wait to be seated)
I needed someone to lead.
Yeah, yeah, believe me.

Please wait to be seated!
Please wait to be seated!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
.

Below is the image of the day on Wikipedia for Sept. 10, 2007. It's "an animated simulation of a phenakistoscope disc. The phenakistoscope is one of the first devices to create moving images and a precursor of the zoopraxiscope and, in turn, cinematography. Conceived as a simple disc to be held vertically in front of a mirror and spun around its axis, the subjects appear to be in motion when viewed through the slits of the disc."

Maybe it's just me, but I'm sitting here watching it and humming "Last Dance With Mary Jane."



Phenakistoscope
by Kit FitzSimons
"Dance with me in pictures," he said
And grabbed for her hand in stages.
"In captured instants, frozen poses,
We'll stock-still across the floor."

She was petrified by his fixation,
By the seeds of flux he'd planted.
Wound tight, she waxed ecstatic...
But desire alone couldn't move her.

"Who cares what voyeurs spy," he laughed
As she paled and stiffened at his touch.
"We'll articulate each point for them
And let their minds fill in the rest!"

He kept one hand around her waist
To cut down on the cost of animation.
She stop-motioned him to continue,
And they spun through a hall of mirrors.
.

From my Livejournal's Comments section over the last few days:

---

xenosauridae said:
You should totally bring some Barq's Rootbeer.

kosherpickle said:
Is this a commodity in short supply, or something? Or a tithe, perhaps?

xenosauridae said:
Prepare to be shocked...that beverage is UNAVALIABLE in the whole of North Carolina.

kit27kit said:
Except at Red Robin (although perhaps even there, they've stopped serving it).

kosherpickle said:
Well, I guess I'll import some into the state, and make a tidy profit. I mean, give it to people I know that want it.

xenosauridae said:
During the Rootbeer Prohibition, one man stood up and said, "I SHALL PROFIT."
Huber stars as Huber in "The Smug Smuggler."

Anonymous said:
also available at amante's, just right across the tracks!
shutrump

---

Yes, yes, now that we've Number 23'ed the damn soda, it is, in fact, EVERYWHERE. Wendy's in Durham, Wendy's in Chapel Hill, Amante's Pizza, the Dollar Store, Jo-Ann's Fabric and the PTA Thrift Shop (only the Carrboro store). Nobody doesn't serve Barq's Root Beer, it springs unbidden from a fountain at Weaver Street, and it has been named Official Soda of the Triangle by the Barq's Council, located conveniently just around the corner from my apartment. Thank you to everyone who worked so hard to bring this plucky carbonated beverage to the forefront of our collective consciousness and thus to the forefront of the burgeoning Southern market.

Next up: "Hey, why doesn't anyplace sell Dunkaroos again yet? I hate how they haven't reached 'retro-due-for-relaunch' status yet."

...Ahem.

.

So I was going to go to Dragon*Con this year. Now, unfortunately, I'm not.

Why? Because of this:



I'm in a play! An honest-to-goodness, in-an-actual-theater, completely-scripted dramatic production. It's been a while. And not only is it a play, it's a two-man play, so I'm fully half of the production. Want the information on it? I know you do.

How I Got That Story
by Amlin Gray
Directed by Paul Frellick
Featuring Kit FitzSimons and Derrick Ivey

An "embedded" war reporter tries to get a handle on a culture he doesn't know while covering a conflict he doesn't understand in this knife-edged satire. Winner of a 1982 Obie Award, this "nightmare comedy" is a "stunning theatrical achievement." (The Hollywood Reporter)

All Performances at University Mall
Estes Drive and US 15-501
Theater located directly facing Waldenbooks

August 23--September 15
Thursday Evenings at 7:30pm
Friday-Saturday Evenings at 8pm
Sunday Afternoons at 2pm
Wednesday Show, Sept 12, 7:30pm

Post-show discussions on Sunday, August 26 ("Meet the Designers") and Sunday, September 2

Tickets $16, $14 for seniors, $12 students
Thursday August 30 is "Cheap Dish Night"
..............-- $7 for all tickets August 30 only

Call 968-1515 for reservations and information

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I really hope a lot of you out there will be able to make it to see this.  And if you're like me and tend to procrastinate if you see that many possible dates (and then wind up not being able to make it to the last weekend), then let's figure out a night you can definitely come, and the two of us will pretend that's the only night I'm performing.
.

So my AC is finally back to what it's supposed to be. It was pretty miserable in my place lately; I was getting hit with a lot of heat the past few days because my AC was off.

Here's a rundown of how my AC broke down:

10 = Base AC
+3 = DEX bonus
+1 = Size modifier (due to being able to hide behind lampposts)
+1 = Dodge feat
-2 = Natural Armor (see Size modifier)
+1 = Permanenced Haste spell (on self)
+4 = Constant 'Inspire Heroics' bardic effect (on self and scene partner)
+3 = AC bonus from fans (my Vornado counts as 2)
+4 = AC bonus from Slater
+27 = AC bonus from house
(...armor bonus,
....shield bonus,
....deflection bonus,
....provides full cover,
....counts as being on full defense, etc)

Total AC = 52
Total AC for past 3 days = 25

Not great. Any decent-level heatwave would've been able to (and nearly did) take me down. I'm just lucky I don't have long hair or a need to wear hats; those would've imposed a really serious AC penalty.
.

The most recent triannual DSI audition was last night. I don't often walk out of an audition feeling refreshed and energized, but I did this time. Oh, sweet longform, you radiant dewdrop on the grass-blade of my life, how I long to once again drink of your matutinal damp.

...um, yeah.

So it felt pretty good to get revved up by an audition, not to pace back and forth in front of a mirror, attempting to convince myself that "it wasn't as bad as you think it was." And this audition continues the very rosy-looking trend of my having fun doing what I say I love to do so much.

I've also watched several episodes of CSI Season 7 tonight. I don't think I can say enough how awesome this show is. Hey, it usually takes a Wes Anderson movie to make me tear up, but the second episode of the season managed to get me.

Oh, meanwhile, I watched 'Date Movie' on Saturday. Continuing another trend, I enjoyed it. It's not as universally awesome as 'Epic Movie,' but then, they each embodied their respective genres, and I much prefer epic films to chick flicks. I'm now trying to figure out where they can go next in the 'series': "Action Movie"? "Caper Movie"? "Animated Movie"? "Best Movie" (the Oscar-nominee remix)? "Home Movie"?

One can only hope.
.

My muffler has a hole in it.

My AC isn't working.

I'd ask fearfully what else was in the pipeline for me, but that'd be useless since all the pipelines in my life are breaking down.

Now how am I going to get around the Mushroom Kingdom?
.

Happy birthday, kudzita!

A litbit for you (originally found here):
I Wandered Lonely As a Cloud
There once was a poet named Will
Who tramped his way over a hill
And was speechless for hours
Over some stupid flowers...
This was years before TV, but still.

Many people have asked, "What kind of moron actually enjoys those Scary Movie/Date Movie/Epic Movie movies?" Apparently, the answer is the me kind of moron.

I just finished my torrented copy of Epic Movie, and I laughed really hard at it. Sure, there were points when it was essentially a joke tossed in just to make the reference, but seriously, Tumnus' house as an episode of Cribs? Hermione with herpes? Darrell Hammond as Captain Jack Swallows? The entire final battle after the huge surprise turning point? Oh god. I love these things.

Now, I will say I don't own the DVDs of any of the Scary Movie series. I don't feel like they pop enough to actually get me to buy them. However, I am proud to own both 'Not Another Teen Movie' and 'My Big Fat Independent Movie,' which attain a level of comedy that 'Epic Movie' definitely reaches.

I have a very puerile sense of humor; I freely admit that. I don't laugh at an overload of fart/piss jokes, but sprinkling in a few is fine. The same goes for Fred Willard, and 'Epic Movie' managed to give me just enough to nod my head in wry amusement, then quickly kill him off so I could enjoy the rest of the film.

So rah-rah for 'Epic Movie'... I guess this means I need to buy it after all. And see 'Date Movie', I suppose. Congratulations, Alyson Hannigan, it's your lucky day.
.

Jailbirds of the Philippines reenact Thriller:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMnk7lh9M3o&eurl

(embedding was disabled for this video or I'd just put it here)
.

So March came and went,
and you wondered where it was...
well, wonder no more!

The day has finally come...

It's the 2007 Tuesday Morning Awards!

With your host, Simon FitzKit...In the Field!



Presented by Nikon (makers of fine cameras that I own everywhere), and sponsored by

Photobucket.com!

Photobucket.com Where millions manage their media. Upload all your photos, videos, and images to Photobucket for free. Make slideshows and remixes. Link your media to your social network profile, auction sites, web sites and blogs. Share by email, IM, or mobile phone. Give it a try!

Are you in for the long haul? Then let's kick it up a notch!

( Not the Emmys, the Grammys, or the Obies...It's the...Timmys? )
.

All Hulk can say is voice-over better not be Doc Samson.
Hulk serious; that guy, like, psychological sadist.
And now Hulk travel in time? Hulk say screw that;
Hulk hate time travel. It make Hulk split.
Time travel split Hulk into more personalities than Peter David.
Look at all Hulks. It like Hulk waiting in line with Hulkself.
It like Hulk got scared in between two mirrors.
It like Hulk is Earth during Infinite Crisis,
but that DC. Hulk smash DC.
Hulk just sort of pissed off about whole Solomon Grundy thing.
And also Bizarro thing...oh, and also Shazam thing.
Billy Batson. Bruce Banner. Serious? Serious??
What up with stealing Hulk's only three gimmicks?
Pssh. Whatever.
...When is Hulk now?
Hulk feeling slightly dizzy.
Maybe this World War Hulk idea was bad idea.
Actual, what up with Hulk having idea in first place?
Hulk not been this strategic since Pantheon days.
Hulk wonder...if...universe would mind
if Hulk just ate one of donut-hole planets.
Or maybe all of them, since all Hulks through time hungry.
Whoa...Hulk just realize all Hulks through time talking
when Hulk talking. Hulk... hehe. Huuuuuuulk. Hehe.
Hulk strongest there is. Hehehehehehehe.
......Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuulk. Eehehe!
Other Hulks funny. They copying Hulk.
...Wait. That not funny really. Hulk not like that.
Stop. Stop copying Hulk, Hulks! Hulk not like Hulks!
Don't make Hulk angry! No! Hulk not making Hulks angry,
Hulks making HULK angry! SHUT UP, HULKS!
Hulk is Hulk! NO! HULK IS HULK! STOP COPYING HULK!
HULK...HULK...HULK IS STUPID!
Haha, Hulks said Hulk is stupid, so they...
...Hulks say HULK is STUPID?!
HULK HIT HULK BEHIND HULK AS HARD AS HULK CAN!
HULK HIT HULK BEHIND HULK SO HARD HULK FLY INTO LAST WEEK!
HULK SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!

... ... ...
Damn it, you idiot. Here I am trying to calm myself down,
figure a way to contact Richards or Amadeus Cho or Jennifer
or whomever, and you go and freak out again.
I would say this is like herding cats,
but I think you eat cats, so I should probably not mention them.
... ... ...

Ungh...Hulk head hurt. Hulk kind of bleary.
Who these Hulks behind Hulk? Where Hulk, little man?

... ... ...
Oh, you're listening now, are you? Miracle of useless miracles.
God, I hate my life; I'm a rational scientist, and yet somehow,
my subliminal mind keeps doing idiotic things
like getting us stuck in a temporal loop.
... ... ...

Yes. Hulk often fall into that. Hulk get mad, Hulk calm down,
Hulk get mad again because puny humans get mad at what Hulk did...

... ... ...
...What?? ...I... Oh lord.
No. Not a TEMPER loop, you pea-brain.
A TEMPORAL loop. Time travel gone wrong.
... ... ...

Oh. That.

... ... ...
Yes, 'Oh, that.' Now, would you please just keep with me for a...
... ... ...

Hello? Little man? Little man still there?

... ... ...
Oh great. And now you are gone -- back in time itself --
and you can no longer hear me, Hulk, can you? CAN YOU?!
... ... ...

All Hulk can say is voice-over better not be Doc Samson.
.

How well do you know your next-door neighbors?

Man, I never get tired of finding random stuff on LiveJournal. Now they're even helping people who don't know how to write a journal!

I have an entry for tonight, but I'll answer this question instead/first because I'm mildly annoyed by Everything right now.

Wi Me?
by Kit FitzSimons
Where once the stem had sprouted leaves,
Where once I delved through pages quick,
There's nought but dry and useless heaves
For my Time Warner Cable's sick.

It's true the icon still blinks green.
The wireless still bears three bars,
And yet no system that I've seen
Is less connected up than ours.

The Network tab I double-click,
Refresh once more the Network List.
Oh, ten came up! Well, take your pick;
Each one is sure to get me pissed!

These four are open. Whoop-de-doo!
Connection speed's not even there.
Password-protection? Fuck you too!
We're neighbors, shithead, why not share?

And what about my own, you ask?
The one we've titled "Awesometown"?
There's no Admin up to the task
Of telling me why it's still down.

I've searched the hardware, double-checked:
No wires crossed, no safeties breached.
It claims it's up. That's not correct!
It says the server can't be reached!

I placed a call to Tech Support.
"We don't support your tech," they said.
My router isn't theirs. In short,
To them, I might as well be dead.

And though it sets my nerves on edge,
I've drive crosstown for WiFi zones.
I'm paying for the privilege
Of never ever being home.
.

Zero internet access at home is killing my livejournal productivity. Thank goodness for Town-Of-Carrboro Wireless at the nearby Open Eye Cafe.

So, what would drag me from my apartment into public to write upon my cobweb-ridden tablet?

I randomly went to participate in a family heart study at Duke Hospitals Clinic yesterday around 1 PM. It's the kind that only has two requirements: you have a sibling who'll also participate, and you call the number on the flyer.

Well, after filling out all the relevant paperwork, I had the first tube of blood drawn for the DNA tests. As soon as the needle hit the vein, I started getting static in my head, heard a drawn-out version of the sound of a television turning on, and I lowered my head, closed my eyes...

...and opened them again as three nurses were dabbing at my forehead with a washcloth. I had passed out, apparently. Not, I should point out, a new thing for me in times of puncture wounds (or, in one instance, in times of Saw 2), but yesterday was something special.

Because while unconscious, I also apparently had a grand mal seizure.

So, yeah, they lowered me onto the nearby hospital bed, took down a more pointed medical history, and systematically began taking turns panicking me.

Within a half-hour, I had gone from a study participant to a nearly-confirmed seizure-disorder patient. The doctor said they wanted to get a neurology consult, but since I was outpatient, I'd instead need to go through the ER.

I have no health insurance at the moment, and any hope of getting in the future sort of rushed out the window if anybody had thought to write down: "Patient most likely has epilepsy."

However, yesterday's tests etc. were all covered under the cleverly worded study consent forms: "Any medical problems that arise as a direct result of the medical tests during this study will be paid for by us." Whee.

Well, my mother drove over (the doctor said I shouldn't drive home), and I meanwhile lay in the clinic waiting for a stretcher. They'd brought a wheelchair for me, but the nurse in charge (we'll call her Keela Shoal) made them take it back, saying, "He could have another seizure between here and the ER, and we don't want him hitting his head."

Oh, Keela Shoal. You cared just a bit too much. See, Keela Shoal has a 30-year-old daughter who's had grand/petit mal seizures since age 5, and she and her husband had ignored them, thinking the girl was trying to get attention, and then later, the girl had tried cocaine, and that's not so great for a grand mal seizure patient, and she's sullen and moody and for a while there, the girl was even doing the cliched mouthing the medication and spitting it in the sink later.

OH! The medication issue. While Keela Shoal was telling me this reassuring story, she was also filling me in on the only possible outcomes of the day's events.
1) They'd keep me for observation overnight or longer, and the study wouldn't cover that...and thus she wanted to set up a meeting with a social worker.
2) They'd let me go, but they'd put me on medication for the rest of my life.
3) They'd let me go, but they'd give me valium to take when the next seizure occurred.

Okay, let's take those one at a time:
1) Keela Shoal heard that I had no insurance and no job, and immediately knew my future. She said that Medicaid would possibly cover an observation night, and after that, since I obviously had a seizure disorder, I could probably get on Disability and never have to get a job, but, she continued sadly, "Disability won't get you very far in life, you know." Thanks, Keela Shoal. I'm glad you've diagnosed me as an epileptic layabout so quickly, or it might have been too late for me.

2) I have never had a grand mal seizure before. I may have had a petit mal (absence) seizure during Saw 2, but I was staring pretty hard at rapidly flashing lights while stressful music assaulted my ears in Dolby Digital, so I think there was a decent amount of cause there. In any case, if you counted the times I've passed out with that head-static I mentioned (they called it an aura), you'd come up with 5. Five times, each years apart from the others. Daily medication that would, as Keela Shoal said, "make me tired all the time, but that's worth it, right"? No thanks.

3) The Valium she referred to were Valium suppositories. And they'd have to be taken as soon as I thought a seizure might be coming on (i.e. about 3 seconds before I passed out). A Valium suppository. So, as I said to my mother later, "I'd have to be like, 'Sorry, boss, I'm feeling woozy; I just need to ...um... put my head between my knees.'"

Yeah, I was a little stressed out. Making it worse was the fact that the study had other participants coming in around me, and the nurses --thinking that either I'd scare the normals away, or else that I cringe at the sight of my fellow man-- decided to pull three curtains up and completely close me in. So I was lying in an enclosed space with Keela Shoal raising my Terror Alert to Orange, and I was practically guaranteed to have a seizure disorder and all I could think about was that I had a two-man show to be in at DSI in 6 hours and if I was kept overnight for observation, Ted would have made a video for our team for nothing.

My priorities, it turns out were right on the money.

(For those paying attention, this is the Long-Story-Short part of any Kit monologue).

THREE HOURS LATER:

I was in the ER. Luckily, the ER staff got me checked in, into a room, and blood-tested within 15 minutes (instead of resident alarmist Keela Shoal's estimate of "hopefully before midnight"). I repeated my story to a nurse, a resident, a student doctor, and the woman who would wind up filling out my discharge papers. And they all said that I'd need to wait for the doctor. Well then, stop asking me for my story, people, if you can't do anything for me (grumble, grumble).

Finally, a Dr. Robert Preston came in, and the first words out of his mouth (after I'd told him my story) were, "Well, I don't think this is symptomatic of epileptic seizures at all." To which my mother said, "I like this guy."

It turns out that I have a very specific body type that reacts poorly to major traumas like a needle in a major vein (or under my kneecap), or like a jarring rap to my knee (or a parallel bar in the groin). You know, for random examples. I apparently on a good day have a slightly low blood pressure, and I'd only had a light lunch before the blood-drawing, and I'm, you know, mildly stressed out with my current life situation, and, oh, I weigh 112 lb after a decent breakfast.

With all that, all the blood rushed from my brain. Zero blood pressure. Lack of blood causes unconsciousness, and then it causes seizures. I just have the body-structure and circulation of a paper-clip animal, so it takes less time to get to Seizureville for me.

So, I'm okay. The doctor said I'm supposed to avoid, for instance, giving blood without lying down and raising my legs, and above all, I need to not be running on fumes and thus I need to eat more. Sheesh, friends of mine, why did none of you ever TEEL me I needed to eat more? Did you WANT me to die? I mean some kind of WARNING would have been NICE, people.

Anyway, I realized what my penchant for pratfalls is:
A Defense Mechanism.
Since a sharp rap in the wrong place is enough to make me pass out, I've apparently learned how to fall so I never have that happen.

My body is awesome.

Or rather, my body is crappy, but at least it knows it and has worked long and hard to duct-tape together the shoddy craftsmanship.
.

MTV, why oh why did you have such intriguing yet short-lived cartoon shows several years ago? A while ago I got into Clone High (02-03) and watched the youtube videos of it.

Now, it's Spy Groove (2000), described by one viewer as "what Austin Powers should've been like." I've got to agree.



Any show that calls its Hardy-Boys-looking main characters 'Agent 1' and 'Agent 2' (or as a villain puts it in the pilot: "the Olsen Twins of the espionage world") must be fairly decent. Any show that somehow manages to evoke the retro feel of those E-Surance commercials without making me angry, must be pretty exciting. Any show, basically, that works in a three-second flashback to its main characters being true to their modern-day personalities back when they were in the Boy Scouts together...



...and takes the time to actually get the uniform design correct...well, said show must be a good candidate for Kickass Find Of The Week.

Oh, and the beautiful woman du jour in the Greece episode is named Tracy Momandpopodopolis. For serious, MTV? Good on ya.
.

Well, yesterday's update went well.

One more thing to put up here while we're on the subject.

AQUAMAN


Well, the toymakers obviously understand that very few children are going to be crazy about Aquaman, and those who are... well, they're going to be the kids who don't care what the toy looks like, since they'll be so excited just to have an Aquaman toy at all.

This explains the lack of care taken with this action figure. I mean, look at his eyes. His pupils are pointing in two different directions! It's not a huge angle difference, but just large enough of one to be subtly disturbing when looking at him head-on.

I thought Superman's expression was off-putting? Aquaman's is far worse. He looks like he's mentally challenged and inbred somehow. To be precise, he looks like he's the retarded offspring of five monkeys having butt sex with a fish-squirrel! Congratulations!

...Wait. (Checks Aquaman's Silver Age origin story) Oh. I guess he sort of was. (Not 'is' though; DC's reset his origin to something less interspecial.)

By the way, looke at those "scales" on his shirt. I realize Playskooling a character requires some design simplifications, but come on; those are basically Mickey-D Golden Arches drawn upside-down.

And last, but certainly not least, what was he thinking when he put on that belt buckle? It's a sharp point extending off the belt itself and over his stomach right up to just under his rib cage. All he has to do is try to change directions while swimming or even to just lean over...



...and his belt buckle will stab into his chest, either goring him or, worse, snapping off his xiphoid and sending it into his lung/heart/swim bladder.

And yet, of all the DC Super Friends toys, I'm split between the black and grey version of Batman (not seen in last journal) and this Aquaman.

I guess I've just got a habit of rooting for the underdogfish.


.

Hey, remember Spidey and Friends? The toys that dared to ask, "What if Spiderman wore pre-stressed khakis and was a construction worker?"
Or, more importantly, "What if Hulk drove a snowplow-tow truck?"



Well, the series went so well that Playskool (such an inappropriately spelled company name) went ahead and expanded. The new series of toys will be DC Heroes. But instead of calling it "Batty and Friends" or "Supey and Friends" they slacked off and went with "DC Super Friends."

How original.

In fact, how original to just step in on the Marvel heroes' preschool gig in the first place. Knaves! I demand satisfaction.



"Take ten paces, Clark, then we'll turn and duel."
"I know you feel wronged, Steve, but I don't think there's even a contest here. When I died, the entire DC Universe fought to bring me back from the dead. You?"
"... ... ..."



"Grrrr..."
"Heh, yeah. Sorry, Steve; don't lose your head[1]."

The thing is, there are pictures of the toys and their packaging online, and they astound me. For various reasons. ( Let's take a look, shall we? )
.

Happy birthday, xenosauridae!
I would do a birthday jig, but...



Oh, but it's not over yet.
Because the following is to the tune of the above song.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving
by The Kitfitz Simons
(ttto 'I Don't Feel Like Dancing'
by The Scissor Sisters)

It's another birthday.
It's been one year since the last.
I'm wholly unprepared;
I've got to find a present fast.
You'd like something simple,
something clever, something odd...
preferably made science-themed to help re-disprove God.
So I'll play along while I parody this song.
I'm gonna get you something you don't own.
You better pause. Move somewhere there's no 'No Pets' clause,
'cause I got you amoebic panda clones.



Yes, panda clones: the best idea that science ever had.
They reproduce asexually; you know that can't be bad,
because now they are not endangered. Every second, more are born.
This way is much more reasonable that showing pandas porn.

There's four more pandas! Pandas!
Savin' populations is so easy to do!
There's eight more pandas! Pandas!
Here's a tip: you better go invest in bamboo!
Sixteen more pandas! Pandas!
Don't you think it's odd
there's no word
for a group bigger than two-oo-oo?

[ Instrumental Break ]

Species come and species go,
from hunting and pollution.
We humans are the problem.
Here, have a final solution.
You've got so many pandas,
now humanity's defunct.
No merciful god would allow this.
Great! Then He's debunked!

So science has won!
Time to have a little fun,
and time that we dig ourselves out of this hole.
So please grab a bat,
and you know in no time flat,
we'll get this population in control!

I feel like panda clubbing
will catch on here in a flash
with all your friends; that's how you
would define a birthday bash!
You get to save the ecosystem.
Life or death, well, either way
with never-ending pandas!
So sir, have a happy day.

Kill four more pandas! Pandas!
If your morals cause your panda-killing to slow,
Kill eight more pandas! Pandas!
Just think of it as a China-made Whack-A-Mole
Sixteen dead pandas! Pandas!
Better not sneeze
if you please,
or they'll all die with one blow-ow-ow.

[ Instrumental Break ]
[ pandas piling higher ]

Oh goddamn, a quick tangential:
their reproduction's exponential.
It's essential
that you kill them faster or we all will drooOOOOOWWWWNNN!

[ disappears in pandas ]
[ burst upward and dive back in like Scrooge McDuck ]

Now Earth is two-thirds pandas;
water quickly went away.
I always saw the world
in black and white! --Heh-- Anyway,
We'll just make pandaballs and forts
and panda-angels on the ground!
I'm glad I feel like pandas
'cause they're gonna stick around.

Sixteen ton pandas! Pandas!
Savin' population's easy to overdo!
Thirty-two ton pandas! Pandas!
Exponential numbers really start to accrue!
Sixty-four ton pandas! Pandas!
Hey, before we die,
not to pry,
but you never said 'Thank you-oo-oo.'
.