(crossposted from DSI Forums for reasons similar to the whole Church and State issue):

Having signed up for a 1-disc-at-a-time NETFLIX subscription (to get a free laptop, cross-fingers-cross-fingers), I believe it is time we knew exactly what horrors and wonders lurk in the depths of the world's foremost rent-by-mail service (well, except for WeeklyRussianBridalPost, but they're a niche market).

WEEK 1:
Having entered all of my preferences and created a relatively short 40-disc list last Monday, I received Zardoz in the mail last Tuesday.

ZARDOZ (1974): In this cult favorite from John Boorman (Beyond Rangoon), 23rd century society is split into two castes -- the overly civilized Eternals and the barely civilized Brutals -- one of which is constantly controlling the other. The Brutals worship a huge stone figure known as Zardoz. When Zed (Sean Connery) begins to question the authenticity of this god, the film is able to offer some pointed commentary on class structure and religion.

I have heard (from reliable sources) that Zardoz is one of the Worst sci-fi movies ever made. Thus, I must watch it. (Actually, it probably means I must buy it, but for some reason, I've gone all thrifty in this instance.)

Regardless, it's a must-see, if only because Sean Connery apparently rushes at a Burt-Reynolds-lookalike frat some time during the movie.

Oh, hazing. Is there anything you can't demean?

Back to NETFLIX however. The disc arrived on Tuesday alright, but it didn't arrive "all right." In fact, the DVD wasn't just scratched or grimy, it was broken. There was an enormous crack that went all the way through the disc. I immediately filled out the online Damaged Disc form and mailed it back Wednesday afternoon. Thursday, they let me know they'd received it and that the Raleigh NETFLIX hub didn't have a second copy to send me for Friday (I'd actually have been more disappointed in them if they did own two copies of Zardoz locally).

My new disc arrived from Cleveland today. It is in good condition and at least the Main Menu plays well. I await other souls than myself to join in the fun.



Doesn't it sound like a sleep aid?
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This Thursday (AKA tomorrow), I'm doing a two-man improv show with my friend Eitan. The form is monkey-prov, and the name of the group?



That's just the preview poster I made us. Sketch is making us an intro screen that I cannot wait to see. The man is an artist. Seriously. Look at Sketch's past team intro screens.

Also, it be Talk Like A Pirate Day. ARRRR!

So come see Eitan and me hepped up on Red Bull performing death-defying acts of improvisation skill.

Thursday, Sept. 20, 8PM
DSI Comedy Theater
Carr Mill Mall, Carrboro
$8, or $5 if you have a $5-ticket coupon card (which I have a stack of)
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My subleased townhouse has a fireplace that we've never used, so my "landlady" called the Fire Department to come inspect it so I could legally use the thing when it gets cold around here (you know, in February).

I waited around with no word until the Anti-Witching Hour (noon) when suddenly I was interrupted whilst sitting before my cold fireplace by a noise like someone playing Stars & Stripes Forever on a dollar-store digital piano. It turned out to be my cell phone, which I'd forgotten to turn back to Vibrate earlier. It was my landlady. We hadn't spoken in seven...teen hours, but she still spoke like death warmed over:

"You will be visited by a representative from the Chapel Hill Fire Department today. Expect him at 1pm. Bewaaaaaaaaaare!"

Sure enough, shortly thereafter, three spirits of the CHFD arrived. But instead of coming one after the next, they filed into my living room and the Spirit of CHFD Present inspected my fireplace while the Spirits of CHFD Past and Future stood by and --I assume-- made sure I didn't try to make a run for it.

Among the three Spirits there were two fathers and two sons (oh, the old brainteasers are the best), and CHFD Present kept asking Past for answers he already knew, and sending Future to the firetruck outside several times for forms and pamphlets and smoke detectors that it turned out we didn't need.

In the end, I discovered that the Spirits had inspected my fireplace in one afternoon (=15 minutes) as if by magic. I still had time to change my ways! To vacuum out the dust around the edges! To buy a starter log! To not die of carbon monoxide poisoning!

Oh, what a fool I'd been! I had not realized there would be an entire family of CHFD Spirits ready to invade my home at the first sign of my thinking about warming myself. Damn me; I'm such a heat miser.


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A throwaway parody to get it out my head.

The Cars' "Just What I Needed":


Your Table's Not Ready
by Kit FitzSimons
I don't mind you eating here;
That's what a restaurant's for.
But tell me why you couldn't wait
Politely by the door?
This isn't something you decide.
None of our waiters wait that side!
I don't mind you eating here,
But please don't eat right there.

I can't read your mind from here
Here at the hostess stand.
You came in when my back was turned.
This cafe's undermanned, yeah.
It's not that we can't serve you well. No,
It's more you're there, but we can't tell.
I can't read your mind unless
I've shown you to your chair.

Won't you please wait to be seated?
(wait to be seated)
That way I'll know that you're here.
Won't you please wait to be seated?
(wait to be seated)
I can't be any more clear.

I don't mind your right to choose
Exactly where you sit, sit.
The customer is always right,
But here's what I don't get, yeah:
You sat before I saw you. Lord!
Now you complain you've been ignored.
I don't mind your right to choose,
But why not clue me in?

Won't you please wait to be seated?
(wait to be seated)
You ain't got nothing to lose.
Won't you please wait to be seated?
(wait to be seated)
While I go grab you menus?

Won't you please wait to be seated?
(wait to be seated)
You needed somewhere to feed.
Won't you please wait to be seated?
(wait to be seated)
I needed someone to lead.
Yeah, yeah, believe me.

Please wait to be seated!
Please wait to be seated!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Below is the image of the day on Wikipedia for Sept. 10, 2007. It's "an animated simulation of a phenakistoscope disc. The phenakistoscope is one of the first devices to create moving images and a precursor of the zoopraxiscope and, in turn, cinematography. Conceived as a simple disc to be held vertically in front of a mirror and spun around its axis, the subjects appear to be in motion when viewed through the slits of the disc."

Maybe it's just me, but I'm sitting here watching it and humming "Last Dance With Mary Jane."



Phenakistoscope
by Kit FitzSimons
"Dance with me in pictures," he said
And grabbed for her hand in stages.
"In captured instants, frozen poses,
We'll stock-still across the floor."

She was petrified by his fixation,
By the seeds of flux he'd planted.
Wound tight, she waxed ecstatic...
But desire alone couldn't move her.

"Who cares what voyeurs spy," he laughed
As she paled and stiffened at his touch.
"We'll articulate each point for them
And let their minds fill in the rest!"

He kept one hand around her waist
To cut down on the cost of animation.
She stop-motioned him to continue,
And they spun through a hall of mirrors.
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From my Livejournal's Comments section over the last few days:

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xenosauridae said:
You should totally bring some Barq's Rootbeer.

kosherpickle said:
Is this a commodity in short supply, or something? Or a tithe, perhaps?

xenosauridae said:
Prepare to be shocked...that beverage is UNAVALIABLE in the whole of North Carolina.

kit27kit said:
Except at Red Robin (although perhaps even there, they've stopped serving it).

kosherpickle said:
Well, I guess I'll import some into the state, and make a tidy profit. I mean, give it to people I know that want it.

xenosauridae said:
During the Rootbeer Prohibition, one man stood up and said, "I SHALL PROFIT."
Huber stars as Huber in "The Smug Smuggler."

Anonymous said:
also available at amante's, just right across the tracks!
shutrump

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Yes, yes, now that we've Number 23'ed the damn soda, it is, in fact, EVERYWHERE. Wendy's in Durham, Wendy's in Chapel Hill, Amante's Pizza, the Dollar Store, Jo-Ann's Fabric and the PTA Thrift Shop (only the Carrboro store). Nobody doesn't serve Barq's Root Beer, it springs unbidden from a fountain at Weaver Street, and it has been named Official Soda of the Triangle by the Barq's Council, located conveniently just around the corner from my apartment. Thank you to everyone who worked so hard to bring this plucky carbonated beverage to the forefront of our collective consciousness and thus to the forefront of the burgeoning Southern market.

Next up: "Hey, why doesn't anyplace sell Dunkaroos again yet? I hate how they haven't reached 'retro-due-for-relaunch' status yet."

...Ahem.

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So I was going to go to Dragon*Con this year. Now, unfortunately, I'm not.

Why? Because of this:



I'm in a play! An honest-to-goodness, in-an-actual-theater, completely-scripted dramatic production. It's been a while. And not only is it a play, it's a two-man play, so I'm fully half of the production. Want the information on it? I know you do.

How I Got That Story
by Amlin Gray
Directed by Paul Frellick
Featuring Kit FitzSimons and Derrick Ivey

An "embedded" war reporter tries to get a handle on a culture he doesn't know while covering a conflict he doesn't understand in this knife-edged satire. Winner of a 1982 Obie Award, this "nightmare comedy" is a "stunning theatrical achievement." (The Hollywood Reporter)

All Performances at University Mall
Estes Drive and US 15-501
Theater located directly facing Waldenbooks

August 23--September 15
Thursday Evenings at 7:30pm
Friday-Saturday Evenings at 8pm
Sunday Afternoons at 2pm
Wednesday Show, Sept 12, 7:30pm

Post-show discussions on Sunday, August 26 ("Meet the Designers") and Sunday, September 2

Tickets $16, $14 for seniors, $12 students
Thursday August 30 is "Cheap Dish Night"
..............-- $7 for all tickets August 30 only

Call 968-1515 for reservations and information

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I really hope a lot of you out there will be able to make it to see this.  And if you're like me and tend to procrastinate if you see that many possible dates (and then wind up not being able to make it to the last weekend), then let's figure out a night you can definitely come, and the two of us will pretend that's the only night I'm performing.
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So my AC is finally back to what it's supposed to be. It was pretty miserable in my place lately; I was getting hit with a lot of heat the past few days because my AC was off.

Here's a rundown of how my AC broke down:

10 = Base AC
+3 = DEX bonus
+1 = Size modifier (due to being able to hide behind lampposts)
+1 = Dodge feat
-2 = Natural Armor (see Size modifier)
+1 = Permanenced Haste spell (on self)
+4 = Constant 'Inspire Heroics' bardic effect (on self and scene partner)
+3 = AC bonus from fans (my Vornado counts as 2)
+4 = AC bonus from Slater
+27 = AC bonus from house
(...armor bonus,
....shield bonus,
....deflection bonus,
....provides full cover,
....counts as being on full defense, etc)

Total AC = 52
Total AC for past 3 days = 25

Not great. Any decent-level heatwave would've been able to (and nearly did) take me down. I'm just lucky I don't have long hair or a need to wear hats; those would've imposed a really serious AC penalty.
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The most recent triannual DSI audition was last night. I don't often walk out of an audition feeling refreshed and energized, but I did this time. Oh, sweet longform, you radiant dewdrop on the grass-blade of my life, how I long to once again drink of your matutinal damp.

...um, yeah.

So it felt pretty good to get revved up by an audition, not to pace back and forth in front of a mirror, attempting to convince myself that "it wasn't as bad as you think it was." And this audition continues the very rosy-looking trend of my having fun doing what I say I love to do so much.

I've also watched several episodes of CSI Season 7 tonight. I don't think I can say enough how awesome this show is. Hey, it usually takes a Wes Anderson movie to make me tear up, but the second episode of the season managed to get me.

Oh, meanwhile, I watched 'Date Movie' on Saturday. Continuing another trend, I enjoyed it. It's not as universally awesome as 'Epic Movie,' but then, they each embodied their respective genres, and I much prefer epic films to chick flicks. I'm now trying to figure out where they can go next in the 'series': "Action Movie"? "Caper Movie"? "Animated Movie"? "Best Movie" (the Oscar-nominee remix)? "Home Movie"?

One can only hope.
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My muffler has a hole in it.

My AC isn't working.

I'd ask fearfully what else was in the pipeline for me, but that'd be useless since all the pipelines in my life are breaking down.

Now how am I going to get around the Mushroom Kingdom?
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